Does Porn Affect Your Relationship?

I received an email asking about porn addiction and its effects on a relationship. They also wanted to know if someone can overcome porn addiction.

Some couples occasionally use porn to spice things up in the bedroom, and this has allowed some couples to communicate what they want openly or would like to try as a couple. This is an issue if porn is used regularly or the only way of spicing things up or being turn-on. Many studies have shown porn to be a massive problem for couples.

Couples who used porn together reported a greater passion in the bedroom at the start.  However, those effects quickly wore off, and the sexual intimacy in the relationship suffered. Porn does damage intimacy. When passion fades from the bedroom, couples think they need to spice it up with different positions, locations, toys and even porn, but the problem is not with what happens in the bedroom but within the heart.

When one turns to porn, they are telling themselves and their partner that he/she is not enough and needs more to be turned on. Which leads to their partner ending up with feelings of hurt, betrayal and inadequacy.  The truth is that when one needs porn to feel turned on, this signals a problem within their brain and not with their partner. Studies have shown that porn is a brain function issue which can cause ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, Social anxiety, Emotional numbness and many other conditions.

Science has shown that porn and sex addicts have an addiction to the neurochemicals (oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, norepinephrine, and vasopressin) released during porn use and sexual encounters. Porn addiction rewired the brain by creating a new neural pathway.

The good news is research shows that neurochemistry can change and return to normal, healthy levels. If you or your partner is struggling with porn use, please contact your local porn addiction counsellor and expert. To understand how porn addiction affects the brain and relationships, this TED TALK called “The Great Porn Experiment” contains interesting information that will undoubtedly surprise you.

If you are concerned about the amount of porn you indulge in, Psychologists from Eötvös Loránd University in Hungary developed a test that focuses on how porn makes people feel and how they react when they’re taken away from it. Researchers who developed this test have determined that four per cent of people who watch porn are actually addicted.

If you score 76 or higher, you may have an issue with porn and need to seek support before it affects your relationship.

Here are a few helpful services and resources:
MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78 https://mensline.org.au/
Relationships Australia – 1300 364 277 https://www.relationships.org.au
LifeLine Australia – 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/
https://www.dads4kids.org.au/greatDads_addictions.html#pornography
Porn the effect on man marriage

Disclaimer:  I am not pornography or sex addiction specialist. This article is in no way to identify porn as good or bad, sinful or not, or if it’s considered adultery. This article simply depicts a proven scientific study on the effects of porn.

Book Review – Separated By Work

Blank vertical book cover template standing on white surface   VSeparated By Work – Kirsty O’callaghan

I first picked up my copy of Separated By Work at Kirsty’s book launch in March 2016. As a long-time FIFO partner and FIFO coach, I enjoyed listening to Kirsty speak about her experience as a FIFO wife. She shared her relationship, family struggles, and the mistakes she made in the beginning, and she really hit home.

I connected absolutely with what she was talking about and knew I had to grab a copy of her book.

Kirsty’s book Separated By Work explores many of the problems we experience in a FIFO lifestyle. Topics she covers include money and goals, parenting challenges, life after FIFO, the all-important “why are we doing this” and much more. I personally connected with some of the issues she discusses and found her tips and hands-on solutions useful.

While she shares her personal journey as a FIFO wife, Kirsty has also included stories from others who have someone who works away, so you get a real sense that these issues are not exclusive to just you and your family.

What I loved about Separated By Work is that it is not just a personal journey but offers real solutions on how to move through the issues a FIFO lifestyle can cause. Not only has she included her solutions, but Kirsty also has had professionals offering helpful advice and includes “how-to” templates to help you and your family survive and thrive through your FIFO lifestyle.

As a professional supporting a FIFO couple to keep their loving connection alive in their FIFO journey, I highly recommend Separated By Work to anyone who is just starting out in a FIFO lifestyle or is struggling with being separated by work. I also feel this book would be an excellent tool for non-FIFO family members to understand the world of FIFO and how to best support their FIFO family members.

If you are looking for a workbook that is easy to read, self-paced, and full of practical tips, exercises and resources, then Separated By Work is definitely for you.

Click Here to grab your copy today!

Keep Smiling

Pamela 

How to make saying Goodbye a Little Easier

One of the downsides to the FIFO lifestyle is having to say goodbye every few weeks or, in my case, every 11 days… Being in a DIDO/FIFO relationship for a decade now, I understand how time flies when your partner is home. You’re excited to see them walk through the door. Next, your love them being there when you wake up, then you blink, and they’re packing their bags, and we saying goodbye.

Emotionally, saying goodbye in this lifestyle can be one of our most challenging things. Their home time never feels long enough. Yes, we survive it… we stay strong and keep ourselves busy until the next RNR. We know going into this lifestyle is part of the routine, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Believe me, after 10 years, I still have days where it’s hard to say those words and smile through the tears. This has allowed me to see that we are very much in LOVE…. if I didn’t feel this way, then it wouldn’t hurt or be hard to part.

Knowing that my partner somehow hates the goodbye reassures me that we are ok in this lifestyle and that our love for each other is stronger than the distance.

For me, this is something to be very proud of. As many couples are not in this lifestyle, see their partner every day and don’t get to feel or have the gentle reminder of how in love they really are… but that is a whole other conversation, which I will save for another day.

Saying goodbye to your partner doesn’t mean we are saying goodbye to our relationship.

It’s just the nature of our relationship while in this lifestyle. The change from being a physical relationship (Kissing, cuddling etc) to one that is more communication (phone calls, texting, skype etc), which can be fun!

By having both physical and distance, we learn more about ourselves and our relationship much faster, creating a stronger bond or connection. A non-fifo relationship doesn’t get to experience both physical and non-physical, or if they do experience it, it’s usually not over a long period of time, so the positive impact of missing their partner can be short-lived.

In the urban dictionary, “goodbye” means “Leaving someone or something, and sometimes never seeing them again.”

I thought I would share my tips on saying goodbye a little easier.

Try not to say the word goodbye, as it has a final ending feeling to it, so formal. It can also reinforce our subconscious mind that this is the end, connecting it to our relationship because one partner is leaving the other.

Keep it casual and try to use words like:

Talk to you tonight
See you later
See you soon.
Have a good day or night
Take care
Catch you later
Bye for now
Safe travel
Until we meet again 😉

Keep it fun by saying:
Peace out babe
Smell you later
Toodle-oo
See you later alligator
Give em hell
Happy trails
Adios (Spanish word)

You could channel your inner 50 shades by saying:

Laters baby
Spank you later baby

And add a wink or two!!!

Romantic goodbye:
I’ll dream of you
I’ll see you in my dreams
Au revoir (French always sounds romantic)

Keeping your goodbyes playful helps keep the love, desire, and flirty fun alive. Keeping the feeling of love and desire alive while apart, in short, creates a sense of wanting in the partner who is away… creates a desire or yearning to be with you… I will share more about desire another day.

Little tip: for those who want to try the cheeky goodbye… maintain eye contact, get into their personal space… get in real close and go in for the hug; linger a few seconds longer and if you feeling really playful or want them to have something to think about on their way back to camp… either go in for the killer kiss or squeeze their sexy sweet cheek… (Yes, I mean their cute ass!) Now don’t say a word if they ask what’s that for… just wink and say your version of good-bye, “Until we meet again or Laters baby” If this is something you don’t normally do, it will surprise them, and they will LOVE IT!

So before you both zoom off into the world, take a minute to communicate how much you enjoyed your time together. Make a date for your next call to touch base, as this helps you feel connected with each other. Follow this with a minimum six-second kiss. Kissing is an act of emotion, and adding a six-second kiss creates or seals an emotional connection, a bond between two people.

Saying goodbye is an unavoidable part of FIFO relationships. Remember that the time spent apart allows you to appreciate your time together. So, however you say goodbye, remember to keep it fun and playful, as it’s not forever!

Later’s Baby
 xoxo

The Day I Stop putting my life on hold…

Stop putting my life on holdI used to put my life on a semi-hold and wait until my husband was home to feel alive… just keeping myself busy with raising our children and working until he was home again. I felt guilty if I was enjoying life without him, as he was working away and giving up time with us for our future.

I would put everything on hold… all my dreams and goals for the future. I was dying inside… I began to lose who I was as a person. I was missing out on life, yet life kept moving forward, and I was standing still. My husband felt like he had lost the woman he had married. Our relationship had become a routine, and if we had kept this up, it would have dyed a slow, painful death.

I came to realise that I needed to feel alive again. I have to love myself and my life and not feel guilty. It is the most important thing I can do for myself and for my family. If I am happy and feeling alive, then my life works! I can handle the crappy stuff life throws at me.

If I love my life, I will bring love and joy to our children’s lives, and they get to learn from me how to love themselves and their life and not feel guilty for it. Most of all, my husband gets to experience me as a fun-loving, strong woman that he first fell in love with but times it by 1000. I get to experience a relationship with my husband that is alive, full of fun, love, support, passion and friendship all the time… not part-time.

My stop-dying journey was not an easy one, you just don’t wake up and make the statement, “I going start living today!” I wish it was this easy… It took small steps every day. There were times when I fell off the horse, but I dusted myself off and got back on… it felt like I was starting again… over, over, over again, but I realised that each time I got back on, it was becoming a little easier… I had to choose it each time. What was my option: feel dead or worst, Divorce!! This was not an option for me!

This had to be my journey, no one could do it for me or give me the right answer to make it go away… All I could do was get an accountability partner or two to support me. The key was to find someone with the right experience and mindset and surround myself with positive support.

I began my journey back in 2010. Looking back, I can see I have learned so much about who I am as a person. How much my life rocks, even tho our lifestyle is still FIFO. My relationship grows more loving every day. Seeing how our children are living a powerful life is exciting.

I continually work on myself every day because I’m worth it… My relationship and family are worth it. Now I have the pleasure of empowering others to embrace their life and live a life they love… I feel very blessed and so grateful for choosing to fight for myself.

How you choose to live your life is a choice… Life will always throw stuff at you. The only thing you can control is how you deal with it… This is where the power is… the power to choose how you feel and deal with your life. You just have to choose YOU, and everything else will fall into place!

Start Living Today… You are worth it!!!!  

If this sounds like you, click here to find out how I can support you or contact me directly for more info.